3 weeks plus.. Meh.

So it's been over 3 weeks now since we lost our little angel Hope. I'm starting to live with what I call the new normal. I'm starting to feel like myself again but a different version of me. I feel like a part of me is missing which makes it hard. I'm able to laugh and smile again without faking it.

There is not one minute of the day where I don't miss her but I know she is safe. So all I can really do is heal and become stronger. Each night which I know might be silly to some I talk to her. It's a special time at night where I cry or smile thinking about her.

I'm doing my best to just carry on. I try to keep focusing on the fact that Andrew and I will keep trying to become parents to a healthy child. The scary part is not knowing if we will get pregnant again or if we do will me miscarry again?

Just trying to rely on God right now. One day I hope things will be okay. Until then please let things calm down for the time being I have had enough and truly can't take much more.

For my Husband 

Blah

I wish my brain would let me forget the counting of weeks. So we lost our baby May 24 but I keep thinking today I would have been 11 weeks 2 days. Then I keep seeing people who are pregnant posting the amount of weeks they are and that might be why I keep thinking of it.

I must admit I'm jealous of everyone who is pregnant carrying a healthy baby. I know one day it will be Andrew and I's turn I just wish it could have been Hope that was meant to be with us... I'm at a loss of what to do with my life right now. There is just so much going on in our lives.

It's not just the loss of Hope or my grandmother. There is another complicated and stressful situation going on that I'm not sure how I am suppose to deal with it. All I can say is someone needs to be quiet and stop destroying other people's lives.

Sorry I'm just sad, stressed and angry all at once. All too much...

It's been 2 weeks

So it has been 2 weeks since my D&C... I still can't believe our baby is gone. I miss Hope so much. It's hard but each day I'm getting stronger. We lost Hope on May 24,2013 then my grandmother (mummu) died on June 1, 2013 it has been a very hard 2 weeks.

Wednesday was my grandmother's funeral which was hard to get through. I know God only gives you as much as you can handle but I'm praying that this is all the bad that is going to happen for a bit. I was just trying to get myself back together after losing Hope then to lose my grandmother was all to much.

We had our follow up yesterday with my OBG/YN after my D&C and he said everything looked good and normal. He said he sees no problems with us being able to get pregnant again and having a healthy child. It was nice to hear but why couldn't Hope have been healthy and stay with us?????

Now we must wait till August to be able to try again and yes we will try again. I'm scared it could happen again but it is worth the risk to try again. Being a mom which I am now is so important to me. I want to be a mom to Hope and to a baby with us on earth.

I will say losing Hope has been terrible but in return she gave me a few things. She made me a mom first off which is wonderful. Now I am able to sleep without medication yes I still get to bed late but I actually STAY asleep. I haven't been able to sleep without medication for about four years now. I feel very lucky to be able to sleep. Maybe it's her way of saying things are going to get better.

I long for the day I go to heaven and will be able to kiss and hold her. I know as time goes on this is going to hurt less. I know I will always been left missing her. That bound while she was in my womb will never go away. I love her with all of my heart and I'm happy she is with God.

I know she is probably making lots of friends if she is anything like her mommy. I hope she is up there enjoying all of her relatives. I wonder what she looks like? All I know is right now she is safe and she is happy. Just wish missing her didn't hurt so much.


Sending baby dust

Praying for my Rainbow Baby!!!!

Thankful for my husband!

Look at the stickers they put on my Hospital Bracelet the day I lost my angel

Where do I go from here????

I keep wishing this was a nightmare and I could wake up from. I'm trying so hard to keep myself together but I miss my baby so much. I've grieved losing people very close to me before but this is worse. This is a pain that I have never experienced.

I know my sweet Hope is looking down on me from heaven but I'm selfish and want her back with me. I'll never understand why my little angel didn't get to be with me on earth. I miss the way it felt to know she was in my tummy.

I'm not sure how to move past this. It's hard to see pregnant woman and be happy for them. I cry when I see them it's too much. I know that I don't know their story. They to could have bad a miscarriage or had infertility. I'm just jealous right now.

 I don't want to be around babies and that makes me feel bad. I love babies. I know right now everything all seems too much. I know it is going to take a bit to get myself back to the normal well the new normal. I'll never be the same Hope has changed me.

Bare with me while I go through this roller  coaster of emotions. It's a scary thought not knowing what  the future has in store for us. I pray one day we will get to make Hope a big sister. I know no matter what happens in life I will never forget my angel.

Angel of Hope 

Memories with our little Hope

So it's been a few days since everything has happened. I have been a mix of emotions. I have never cried so much and felt this much pain before. Losing her is the hardest thing in the entire world. I've been missing her so much.

I was thinking about how we will never get to bring her anywhere or do anything with her. Then I though about it. Silly me we did do stuff with her. While she was in my tummy we went to one of my favorite places. We went to Maine. :)

Well not only did we go to Maine but I did and saw some of my most favorite things. So in her short time in my belly she was brought to my favorite light house Nubble Light in York Maine. We also walked on the beach and looked for shells. Now that I think about it I'm thankful I put my hands in the water.

I also went swimming which is my favorite thing to do. So I realized already our angel Hope Blessing has already been and experienced some of her mommies favorite things. I find some comfort in knowing she was there was us. Now I have some wonderful memories with our angel. <3

So I started looking online for something that would fit with our trip she go to be apart of and I found something. Here it is I think it is perfect. <3 I can't wait for it to come in the mail. I'm so excited!!!! Andrew is very happy with it also.

Nubble Light

At the Beach

So happy knowing we we're pregnant

Safely with God... My D&C story

Today I went in for a check up with my OBG/YN to talk about everything that was going on. Well my appointment was at 10am and Dr.Blake was wonderful and we talked for a bit. Due to complications and things going on we had decided on a DNC.. (About a DNC ) It was the best choice with the SubChronic Hemorrhage...

Needless to say he told me he was going to get me in as soon as he could. We'll he did his best and surgery was set for 2pm. The hardest part with signing the paper work was the disposal of remains part. I cried it was all too much for me to read about or hear about. Thankfully the lady having me do the paper work was amazing and supportive.

So my mom came and picked me up from the hospital to hang out at her house for an hour before I had to go back for surgery. I did my best to stay positive and remember our little one was in heaven and this was the best thing to do with everything going on with my body.

When we arrived to Heywood I had some of the most amazing nurses, doctors and so on. So supportive and caring. I couldn't believe how wonderfully I was being treated. I've heard of others having miscarriages and the doctors and so on we're rude and insensitive This for me was not the case. I was blessed!!! One of the nurses even cried she felt so bad.

Everyone was supried with how well I was handling everything. My mom spent the time with me until surgery happened. My poor husband was at work worrying the whole time about what was going on and if I was going to be okay. Must have been hard on him.

Needless to say my surgery went well with no complications!!!! When I came out of surgery it was hard I cried a lot realizing the baby was really gone now. Thankfully at this time my hubby and mom was there. Not to mention the sweetest nurse in the entire world!!!! She said I have a good feeling about you next time I will be helping with the delivery of your baby. :) She even said she you next year.

She was wonderful and I'm thankful God placed everyone today in my life to help me. Without these people today could have been so much worse. She ended up making us our own pot of coffee and dropping the pot off in our room which I thought was super sweet.

When she wheeled us out of the hospital she gave both my husband and I huge hugs and wished us good luck. I could tell she really cared about us. It made a terrible day a day where I could begin to heal.

Andrew and I have been throwing around the idea of naming the baby for healing and all. So we did ended up naming our little Angel who lives in heaven. Even though we don't know the gender we both felt 100% it was a girl.. We named her Hope Blessing. She has given us so much hope about life and was truly a blessing from God.

I know some might find it odd to name a child you have never meet nor know the gender of. This baby is just as important to us as if they we're still on earth with us. We love our baby and look forward to meeting her. <3

Now for the healing to begin!

"An Angel in the book of life wrote down my baby's birth. And whispered as she closed the book "too beautiful for earth."

"If ever there is a tomorrow when we're not together...there is something you must remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we're apart...I'll always be with you."
Winnie the Pooh 

Willow Tree Blessing (middle name) from my mom and a sweet little puppy from the hubby 

Hope Blessing Lefebvre
Gone to soon Due 12/28/2013

So here it is......Our Loss

First off I wasn't sure if I could write this blog or if I should. Then I thought to myself that is what this blog was for. It was for me for healing. Though it's also for others going through the same thing. So here I will try and do my best to write what's been happening.

So on April 19.2013 we found out we we're pregnant after 5 years of trying. At the time it was the happiest day of my life. Andrew and I we're so excited to finally learn we we're going to be parents. All of that was short lived and there really isn't a happy ending.

On May 9th I woke up with a little cramping and didn't think much of it. Until later in the after noon I was hanging out with my best friend Natalie and I had started spotting. I freaked out and panicked and didn't know what to do. I called my doctors and they told me I was going to have to come in and get my HCG levels checked. Well Natalie stayed with me as long as she could before she had to go to work.

She was so supportive and I'm grateful I had her here with me while I was going through this. I knew something deep down wasn't right so at that moment I felt the everything around me stop. My husband ended up coming home early from work and off to the hospital we went. The next day they called and told me my levels we're 8,700 and that we we're going to have an ultrasound the following Tuesday.

So at the ultrasound they didn't say much all they said was there was a sac but they couldn't see anything else. The next day they called and told me I had a sub-chronic Hemorrhage which looked to be the cause of why they couldn't find a baby. So they ordered more blood work.

So that day I went and had my HCG levels checked again and they went up to over 16,000 so I had to go back 48 hours later but they only went up to over 18,000. So the doctors and nurses didn't quite understand why my levels we're still going up. So they ordered another ultrasound which leads us to today.

I prayed they would see something but I was prepared for them not too. So as I thought they couldn't find anything and it appeared the hemorrhage had gotten bigger. Needless to say this is not a viable pregnancy. So now I have to wait till tomorrow for them to call and tell me what it is next.

Over the past week my life has been turned upside at first I blamed myself for our loss thinking I must have done something wrong. I know that I did everything I could I ate right, took prenatal vitamins, no caffeine  stopped all my medications, started sleeping better and so on. This is out of my control. So I've cried a lot but I'm ready to move past this.

I'll never forget how amazing it felt to feel pregnant and the joy I felt knowing my little one was growing inside. I know now though that with the gestational sac still being in place this could be a long process. I haven't decided yet if I should let the sac come out on it's own or go a couple other methods. To be honest I don't know if I'm strong enough to keep holding on to something that is no more.

I'm sad because I know I will never get to know if it was a boy or a girl. I'll never get to watch them grow up, hear them talk, see any of their first and so on. I feel robbed of them but I know one day I will be able to meet them in heaven one day. Andrew and I will be plating a raspberry bush in his or her honor because that was the size they should have been.

I know it's not going to be easy because I know when the due date happens I will think of them. I know I will never forget them. I'm grateful that they choose me to be his or her's mommy. I'm not a mom to a child who walks on earth but a child who lives in heaven.

I can say my husband, family and friends have been wonderful through all of this and I'm so thankful for each and everyone of them. I know I will continue to need their love and support as this is not over yet. I do know one thing Andrew and I still want to be parents so we will continue to try till we reach our life long dream.

Praying for a Rainbow Baby!!!!

"Sometimes the smallest things take up the most room in your heart." -Winnie the Pooh

"What we have once enjoyed and deeply loved we can never lose, for all that we love deeply becomes a part of us." Helen Keller

2 Samuel 12:22-23

English Standard Version (ESV)

²² He said, “While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept, for I said, ‘Who knows whether the Lord will be gracious to me, that the child may live?’ ²³ But now he is dead. Why should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I shall go to him, but he will not return to me.”

Hoping everyone is well after Mother's Day

I know Mother's Day can be very hard day for people suffering from infertility. I remember last year when I barely made it though the day all I did or want to do is cry. I find Christmas was another one of those days also. I hope everyone tried to keep themselves busy and not think about the day.

With infertility you might not have a baby in our arms or womb but you have one in your heart. That baby in your heart is the only thing you seem to think about. I hope you all know how strong you are for making it though yesterday!!!

Sending baby dust your way!

Hi everyone

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Sorry I haven't posted

So I had to take a break from my blog for a little bit. After everything that happened in Boston I was in shock. I live in MA so it was hard to see what was going on. Then what happened in West, Texas so much in one week. I'm still praying for  the victims and victims families. 

It really makes you think about what is important in life. On Friday April 19th my husband and I had our 5 year wedding anniversary and it was nice. We spent the weekend in York Maine. It was nice to get away and celebrate our love for one another. 

I'm thankful each and everyday for the most loving and supportive husband. I'd also like to add that this week is National Infertility Awareness Week!!!! Anyways sending Baby Dust your way! <3

Approaching year five

Tonight is one of those nights when all I want to do is cry. Yup the dredged finding out someone is pregnant. As I've said before sometimes I generally happy for someone when other times it upsets me. This is the upsetting time...

Now I know what some of you are thinking oh don't let it bug you. Leave it to go and so on.. I know the judgement is coming. That's fine but if you are struggling with infertility you know exactly how I am feeling. I'm not looking for advice I'm just venting.

I think what is bugging me is we are coming up to being married 5 years next month which means we officially hit our 5 years of trying. So I guess now I'm thinking wow who would have thought when I got married five years ago that I would be here today childless.

I never pictured this for us. Though I suppose anyone dealing with infertility never pictured an outcome like this. So I guess as I'm approaching year five I'm excited about my anniversary but disappointing that I still have empty arms.

You know how they say time heals all wounds. Well in this case it doesn't. In fact I feel like the wounds just get worse. Maybe it's my own doing I don't know. Oh how I pray every day that this is our year. You will never know how bad it hurts unless you go through it....

Beauty in the world

There simply is nothing better than sitting out on my farmers porch. I love hearing the frogs and peepers. Seems to make all the bad in life go away. I spent most of the day outside enjoying the fresh air. This is the first spring in our home.

It's so fun seeing all the flowers come to live and the animals coming out to play. Makes me feel like anything is possible. In the fall you watch the flowers dry up and go away. They survive a hard winter under ground. Then the snow melts away and they begin to grow. My yard is full of flowers now. I know that the seeds and bulbs had survived to see another spring.

If a flower can keep coming back year to year after everything it goes though. It makes you see what God can really do. He makes the seasons change and the leaves turn in the fall. If God can do all this he can help me find my miracle. God is bigger than all of us.

It's  funny how seeing a flower bloom makes you truly see the beauty in the world. Everything God does is for a reason. The reasons we may not know until later. I know I have a purpose in this world. It might not be anything out of this world, but it's worth knowing.

I look at my yard and picture the years of memories. I know one day we will have a child and be a family. I also know that one day that child will also see the beauty in this world. God does so much for each of us every day we just might forget that. So just know God does care and he is always listening.

Weekend

So I hurt my back on Saturday. It's in the same spot that always hurts. I hurt my back a few years ago when I fell down the stairs. Well if you know me at all you would know falling downstairs is a common thing for me. Now even pushing in a chair will cause my back to flare up. So I know at some point I need to get myself to a doctor and have my back looked at.

Sunday was my husbands birthday. We didn't do much of anything because I have been stuck on the couch. So Andrew and I just spent the day together which was nice. I did make him brownies though which he enjoyed.

So other than that there has been someone in our lives that has been talking very poorly about me. This person has said I'm controlling, sick in the head, and so on. So it's been an odd week. I guess I shouldn't be shocked this person has said this stuff about me before. It's just sad having to see my husband get so upset. Wish things could be different but Andrew and I are in a better place.

It is not worth it to be around someone who dislikes me so much. We are happy and being around negativity isn't worth it. We have a beautiful home and great family. We are so blessed so living positive is the way to be. :)

Thinking about ages

So this weekend is my husbands birthday he turns 29. We have always talked about wanting to be parents before we turned 30. I'm not sure if that is going to happen for us. The thing is I think ahead. I keep thinking how old we will be by the time our child or children have their own kids.

Is it odd that I keep thinking about how old I will be when I have grandchildren? I guess I just want to be around when they are born. I think about how I lost my grandmother who I loved so much at the age of 16. I want to be around longer than that.

I know I shouldn't be thinking about age when I'm only 27 but I do. I guess this is just me over thinking things. I tend to over think things all the time. I'm just hoping I get to be a mom before the age of 30. I'm not sure what is part of our future. Sometimes I just wish I knew what my future holds.

Well coming up soon is National Infertility Awareness week. It's from April 21- 27. So are you going to be doing anything to support the week?? Or is hearing about this week too much for you? Does it make you think more about wanting to be a mother or father?

Hope everyone has an amazing weekend!!!

Infertility,jokes and tv

For some reason I haven't really been posting my blog as much as I was before. It's not that I'm not writing them it's just I guess I haven't been making them as public. I have recently deleted a ton of people off of my facebook. Not only that but a lot of people can't see most of my post. It's funny I was feeling so open for a while.

I guess deep down having people know my thoughts has been a little embarrassing. Not only just with infertility but with other things. I've learned that I'm a really open minded person. With that being said I've gotten some back lash about how I feel. So maybe that is why I haven't been as public the last couple weeks.

Then again who really cares what some twenty seven year old in MA really thinks? What I will say is I know today is April fools day. I know people love to play pranks on people. Can I say one word of advice don't pretend you are pregnant. It's not funny and what happens if one day you struggle with infertility? Just be respectful of people around you that is all I'm asking.

I was watching Kourtney and Kim take Miami tonight. I think it is really brave of Khloe to be able to talk about her infertility battle on television. I think sometimes you think you are alone dealing with this problem and then you see people on TV dealing with it and realize there are others. I know I've said things before about how some people have no problem getting pregnant and you see that play out in the show too.


Each person is different and we all have our own problems to deal with. I know sometimes it seems like all the unmarried, young people get pregnant no problem but truthfully that probably isn't the case. It just seems that way. I think when dealing with infertility you think wow why isn't it that easy? Who really knows why some people have infertility problems while others don't. Perhaps infertility is something you are suppose to learn from. Then again maybe it's just a cruel joke.

I hope everyone has a wonderful Easter!!!! <3

~**~~~Baby Dust~**~~~

First flowers of spring. :)

Sleep...

So my doctor had taken me off of one of my medications last week. Well last Wednesday was the last day of my medication which happened to be the last night I has slept until Tuesday. He was taking me off of a medication that was causing some problems but it was a medication that helped me sleep.

Needless to say I went Thursday till Tuesday night without any sleep. It took my doctor a day to figure out if he wanted to put me back on the same medication or find a new one. In the end he choose to put me back on the same medication just a smaller dose. So I'm sleeping again which is great.

I swear I was going crazy with no sleep. When I say I didn't sleep I truly mean I didn't sleep at all. I was running a fever and was laughing at everything. I was a mess and it scared my husband. Truthfully it scared me too. So I will be seeing my doctor in May.

Otherwise things are going very good. Looking forward to a nice peaceful weekend with my husband! Hope everyone has a wonderful Easter!

Thankful

So another month where I get excited for being  a day late only for it show up the next day. Thankfully each month has been getting easier  I remember crying ever month when my period showed up. I guess the longer you wait for something to happen the easier it gets.

Part of me still feels that this is our year though. I will say I would rather way a happy marriage than an unhappy marriage and a child. I'd never want to bring a child into an unhappy stable environment. Thankfully that isn't the case with Andy and I.

I keep hoping we are going to get pregnant on our own. Though I know we really need to find infertility doctor that is closer to us. At this point I need a new primary doctor, neurologist, therapist, dentist and an infertility doctor. So I might need to get a move on that.

So if your from MA are there any good infertility doctors that you would recommend? We have a doctor but he is over an hour away and that would be hard to do IUI with. So it looks like I will need to start doing some research on doctors.

Open door

So the animals keep opening the door to the upstairs room which is all set up for a child. It's an older home so if the animals push to hard on the door it opens. Well it's a slap in the face when you see all the kids stuff and a room set up for a child we don't have. I hate that we finished our MAPP Training to be denied later on. I've been over that before in a different blog post.

It's just so upsetting sometimes to think we could have had a child already living here in this house with us. Though I do know once we finally do get pregnant at least we don't have to worry about setting up a nursery. Which is always a good thing because I won't have paint being pregnant. So win for me.. :)

Oh so Andrew and I were watching Tv and I saw a commerical with Josh Duhamell Talking about the kid choice awards and I said something about oh your wife is pregnant (Fergie).. Well Andrew say's you are so excited. With a huge smile on his face I said no not me Fergie. He was so disappointed. I told him when it does happen I would never tell him like that.. Poor Andy.

When will you be having kids?

So Andrew's grandmother had a stroke last Tuesday. She seems to be doing better which is good. She asked Andrew and I if we are going to be having kids. My reply back was we are trying. It hurts because I'd love to be able to make her a great grandmother. I've told her in the past we were dealing with infertility problems but that wasn't the time to tell her that again.

I know so many people around us are waiting for us to have kids. Everyone keeps asking us when we are going to be having kids. I keep asking myself that same question. I don't have answer of when. It stinks infertility just doesn't bug my husband and I, but our families.

Even if you tell them about infertility problems sometimes they still don't get it. I try to explain to people that we have been trying to have kids for five years now then their shocked. Yup doesn't just happen easily for everyone. Hopefully this year I'll finally be able to say we're pregnant and everyone can stop asking.

Common Sense

Okay not that I am a parent or anything but I have common sense. Have you ever seen people and wonder what the heck are they doing when it comes to parenting?? Like why are you feeding them that or not taking care of their health. Or just their general appearance maybe they smell or are dirty..

 I understand kids get dirty or so on. That isn't what I'm talking about though. I mean clothes that have been on for days.  A child that hasn't had a bath for a while. You know what I'm talking about. Their skin is so sensitive when their babies. Or the people who leave diapers on their kids all day long even if they have been peed and pooped in. Hello diaper rash...

All I have to say is I've seen some pretty dumb things that are just common sense. I don't know it's just bugging me. Maybe it's because I want to have children so bad and I see others not taking care of their kids. I'm not bitter I just feel bad for the kids.

I know when I have kids I won't do everything perfectly because no one is perfect! I just wish people would think about what they are doing. I do feel like I can say stuff because my parents do foster care and I see what happens to children all the time. Please if your going to be a parent whether you choose to or not take care of them.

Okay I'm rant is over now.............