So here I am sitting in front of my computer screen. I feel like I need to strip down my walls and really let you all see me for who I am. I'm nothing special just your average girl who is sick of staying quiet. I can't promise my grammar or spelling is going to be perfect. I live each day with nightmares, pain, anxiety, depression, and infertility.
First of you hear nightmares whats that about well I have something called PTSD which is Post Traumatic Stress Disorder little do people know that I have dealt with sexual abuse in my life. I had to go to therapy for it. It at one time was hard for me to even allow my husband to hold my hand
I also have something called Complex Regional Pain Syndrome which is a systemic disease characterized by serve pain, swelling, and changes in skin. It's painful but I manage the best I can. If you want to learn more about it be my guest.
I'm going to be honest infertility whether it be you or your partner it's hard to deal with. I must admit each day is a battle. Some days I will wake up and no matter what I'm in a funk. I can't help but be jealous of others. Not that I'm jealous of their children just jealous of the fact they have kids. This isn't an every day thing though.
I know being jealous is a terrible thing and I know God would not be proud of this. Yes I do allow myself to cry I need to. I cry in the shower or cry myself to sleep. I need a place to vent and not be judged. I know there will be some reading this and think what I have to say is wrong and shouldn't be said.
Maybe starting this blog is a bad idea. I'm already second guessing myself. When it comes down to it I have low self esteem and maybe I'm scared I'll be attacked. Until I know where I stand I'll take it one day at a time.
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Jessica, I think this is a wonderful thing that you have started. You need to be able to express how you feel and blogging is a great way to do it. I am sure others going through the same thing will also be able to read this and take comfort from your words. Just knowing that others feel the same way and experience the same hurts can really help. There was a time in my life when hearing of a pregnancy,seeing a pregnant belly, or seeing a baby would make me a sobbing mess. I avoided certain social event where I knew there was no avoiding babies and pregnant woman and because very close in. I too questioned whether babies were in the plan for us and while I believe in God, when people tell you to trust God and it must be his plan, I never believed that it was his plan for us to experience the heartbreak of losing babies or not even being able to concieve babies. For over two years I was a depressed jealous mess. All I could think about was my desire to be a mommy and the ache in my chest would not allow me to move past it. As you know, after a lot of hard work we now have a family and I pray that you too someday will have the sounds of a child in your home and heart. <3
ReplyDeleteBeing jealous is such a hard thing. I try my best not to be but I am. Thank you so much I know I'm already carrying my child in my heart already. :)
ReplyDeleteHi just been reading your blog and wanted you to know you are not alone! Are you on twitter? It took me years to give birth to my son but where there is a will there is a way!
ReplyDeleteGood to know yes I am on twitter @JessLefebvre
ReplyDeletehow do you handle when others around you are pregnant, in your family, or friends, because that's the hardest for me.
ReplyDeleteTruthfully I try not to be around people who are pregnant or have kids. It's hard for me. There are a few people who were pregnant and it didn't bother me at all.. Is it sad I find some more deserving than others?
DeleteI put up a front so people don't see I'm hurting. Then once I'm in the car or home I cry. To be honest I cry a lot. I can't help it if I'm hurting. People who don't suffer from infertility have no idea the pain we go through.