PTSD and Life

Do you ever notice when dealing with problems in your life that sometimes the safest place to you is home. Since we moved into our home over a year ago I actually don't like leaving it. I feel like nothing can hurt me when I'm home. Even if something does go wrong I feel like I can get through it because I'm safe.

Some of you many or many not know I have PTSD so leaving my comfort zone sometimes isn't easy. I feel terrible when people want to give me a hug because it makes me anxious. Not only does my RSD cause pain sometimes when I'm hugged but the thought of being hugged makes me sick sometimes. I tend to pull away or make a face of some sort. It's not that I don't love the people I'm hugging it's part of a trigger for me.

I also do terrible in cars. I hate being in them most of the time. I don't feel safe at all. It doesn't matter who is driving but the second that person goes into the passing lane I freak out inside. Not only that but I get anxiety from traffic. I've been in two car accidents and another one I'm not sure what to call it.. Let's just say the third one has messed me up real bad..

I have several other triggers too but loud noise for me is another biggie. I won't go into detail about why all of these things affect me or even what else triggers me. I want people to know I did go to therapy for about 10 months it helped to a point.

I think what has helped me the most is our home. I love being here and maybe in away the fact that I depend on being home isn't a good thing. All I know is once I step out of my house I don't feel safe anymore. Don't get me wrong I love going places, but the whole time I'm thinking about when I get to go home. I prefer people coming to my house.

I guess how this all ties in is the lose of our little Hope. I'm not sure if I suffered from anything now after losing her, but I know I have dealt with the loss much better. I think these walls that surround are comforting and safe. I think if I would have been living in an apartment things would have been different. I felt in my home I could grieve properly without fear of others hearing me.

I will say no matter what is going on in my life even when we had just lost Hope I still felt blessed. I have a wonderful husband that has been through my side through it all. What more could I really ask for?? Sometimes I wonder why he dated me for 4years and still decided to marry me after that. We've had over 5 crazy years of marriage. We have learned a lot and the main thing is not to let others come between us. Together we are strong and we can get through anything.

Now all we can truly do is hope that we can get pregnant and have a healthy baby.

Thanks for listening to me ramble...

TTC#2

~****~Baby Dust~*****~

My first Video Blog about Miscarriage

So I'm not sure if I posted this right or not but this is the first video I have done about my husband and I's miscarriage back in May. I write about it normally I thought I would try it out this way too. I hope everyone is well if it doesn't work I'll also post the link.

http://youtu.be/hGk9c20OydA

3 months till December

I can't believe it is already September where has the time gone?? It makes me realize that time just continues to pass even when you don't want it to. There is so many thoughts that have been going on in my head. There are positive thoughts and sad thoughts. Also mixed in with worry. One thing is for sure I'm stronger.

This blog post is more of random thoughts than anything. All I know is December is now only 3 months away and I don't want it to come. It's a dark cloud looming overhead. I don't want the holidays at all. I love Christmas don't get me wrong but since I've been married it's been hard.

Can I say how much it hurts to see parents with there children being able to enjoy the holidays. I want that to be Andrew and I so bad and what hurts the most is that we almost had that. Why does our due date have to be December 28th?? As if dealing with infertility and the holidays isn't enough let's just toss in the loss of our baby with the due date after Christmas.

I'm praying so hard that Andrew and I will be able to get pregnant before Christmas otherwise I'm not sure I even care. It was going to be the best Christmas ever and now it's going to be a mess and I don't want it. I want Hope back. I know it's 3 months away but every time I have to flip the calendar to a new month the thought of December being closer makes me sad.

So needless to say is all I truly want is to be able to get pregnant again and have a healthy baby. We are now 5 years and 5months TTC and it feels like a life time. You'd think it would get easier to not have a child. In fact it just gets harder. Here we are trying again and now we have to pray it is meant to be for us...

Keep in mind this post was for me to vent and clear my head. I guess writing it done made me feel a little better. I'll be asking Santa this year for a baby. Truthfully if he'd like to send me my Christmas gift this month I'd be very thankful.. :)

**Baby Dust***