Sleep...

So my doctor had taken me off of one of my medications last week. Well last Wednesday was the last day of my medication which happened to be the last night I has slept until Tuesday. He was taking me off of a medication that was causing some problems but it was a medication that helped me sleep.

Needless to say I went Thursday till Tuesday night without any sleep. It took my doctor a day to figure out if he wanted to put me back on the same medication or find a new one. In the end he choose to put me back on the same medication just a smaller dose. So I'm sleeping again which is great.

I swear I was going crazy with no sleep. When I say I didn't sleep I truly mean I didn't sleep at all. I was running a fever and was laughing at everything. I was a mess and it scared my husband. Truthfully it scared me too. So I will be seeing my doctor in May.

Otherwise things are going very good. Looking forward to a nice peaceful weekend with my husband! Hope everyone has a wonderful Easter!

Thankful

So another month where I get excited for being  a day late only for it show up the next day. Thankfully each month has been getting easier  I remember crying ever month when my period showed up. I guess the longer you wait for something to happen the easier it gets.

Part of me still feels that this is our year though. I will say I would rather way a happy marriage than an unhappy marriage and a child. I'd never want to bring a child into an unhappy stable environment. Thankfully that isn't the case with Andy and I.

I keep hoping we are going to get pregnant on our own. Though I know we really need to find infertility doctor that is closer to us. At this point I need a new primary doctor, neurologist, therapist, dentist and an infertility doctor. So I might need to get a move on that.

So if your from MA are there any good infertility doctors that you would recommend? We have a doctor but he is over an hour away and that would be hard to do IUI with. So it looks like I will need to start doing some research on doctors.

Open door

So the animals keep opening the door to the upstairs room which is all set up for a child. It's an older home so if the animals push to hard on the door it opens. Well it's a slap in the face when you see all the kids stuff and a room set up for a child we don't have. I hate that we finished our MAPP Training to be denied later on. I've been over that before in a different blog post.

It's just so upsetting sometimes to think we could have had a child already living here in this house with us. Though I do know once we finally do get pregnant at least we don't have to worry about setting up a nursery. Which is always a good thing because I won't have paint being pregnant. So win for me.. :)

Oh so Andrew and I were watching Tv and I saw a commerical with Josh Duhamell Talking about the kid choice awards and I said something about oh your wife is pregnant (Fergie).. Well Andrew say's you are so excited. With a huge smile on his face I said no not me Fergie. He was so disappointed. I told him when it does happen I would never tell him like that.. Poor Andy.

When will you be having kids?

So Andrew's grandmother had a stroke last Tuesday. She seems to be doing better which is good. She asked Andrew and I if we are going to be having kids. My reply back was we are trying. It hurts because I'd love to be able to make her a great grandmother. I've told her in the past we were dealing with infertility problems but that wasn't the time to tell her that again.

I know so many people around us are waiting for us to have kids. Everyone keeps asking us when we are going to be having kids. I keep asking myself that same question. I don't have answer of when. It stinks infertility just doesn't bug my husband and I, but our families.

Even if you tell them about infertility problems sometimes they still don't get it. I try to explain to people that we have been trying to have kids for five years now then their shocked. Yup doesn't just happen easily for everyone. Hopefully this year I'll finally be able to say we're pregnant and everyone can stop asking.

Common Sense

Okay not that I am a parent or anything but I have common sense. Have you ever seen people and wonder what the heck are they doing when it comes to parenting?? Like why are you feeding them that or not taking care of their health. Or just their general appearance maybe they smell or are dirty..

 I understand kids get dirty or so on. That isn't what I'm talking about though. I mean clothes that have been on for days.  A child that hasn't had a bath for a while. You know what I'm talking about. Their skin is so sensitive when their babies. Or the people who leave diapers on their kids all day long even if they have been peed and pooped in. Hello diaper rash...

All I have to say is I've seen some pretty dumb things that are just common sense. I don't know it's just bugging me. Maybe it's because I want to have children so bad and I see others not taking care of their kids. I'm not bitter I just feel bad for the kids.

I know when I have kids I won't do everything perfectly because no one is perfect! I just wish people would think about what they are doing. I do feel like I can say stuff because my parents do foster care and I see what happens to children all the time. Please if your going to be a parent whether you choose to or not take care of them.

Okay I'm rant is over now.............

Quotes and Such

So I have been trying to think about something to write about. Lately life seems to be going pretty good for me. :) My sister is visiting for Texas which has been great. It has been a while since I have seen her last. She is flying back to Texas on Thursday. So I'm thankful for the time I get to spend with her.

I thought instead of writing things about how I feel I thought I would share with you some wonderful quotes. Maybe some of them are things you need to hear. Maybe some will put a smile on your face. Who knows maybe they will get you thinking. 

Have an amazing day! Sending baby dust your way!

 **~**Baby Dust **~**

When you look at the world in a narrow way, how narrow it seems! When you look at it in a mean way, how mean it is! When you look at it selfishly, how selfish it is! But when you look at it in a broad, generous, friendly spirit, what wonderful people you find in it.- Horace Rutledge

“When one door of happiness closes, another opens, but often we took so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened up for us” - Helen Keller

“I am only one, but still I am one. I cannot do everything, but still I can do something. And because I cannot do everything I will not refuse to do the something that I can do.”– Hellen Keller

Real life is not always going to be perfect or go our way, but the recurring acknowledgment of what is working in our lives can help us not only survive but surmount our difficulties. Sarah Ban Breathnach

Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase. - Martin Luther King, Jr.

I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead and some come from behind. But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready you see. Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!
-- Dr. Seuss

Today is your day! Your mountain is waiting. So... get on your way. Dr. Seuss

Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You. Dr. Seuss

Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. Dr. Seuss

Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened. Dr. Seuss

My mom, sister and I

Life without children

So I just went from having long hair to short hair. The funny thing is my attitude has changed I feel good. I'm embarrassing the change. I'm so happy I did something for myself. The bonus is my husband loves it. He told me I look great with short hair.. Funny thing is he told me he actually prefers it too.. As do I. :) 

Life has been going really well. I'm so happy and stress free. Even though we have been having lots of problems with our car and furnace it doesn't matter. We are just trying to be thankful and happy for everything we have. Who knows maybe this upbeat attitude will help us with conceiving.

I'm trying to look at our infertility over the past five years as a good thing. We have been able to enjoy our marriage just the two of us which has been nice. We can go where ever without a thought. I'm thankful we have been able to have a marriage of us two before we have kids. No matter how much I want to be a mother I suppose it's a good thing we have had all this time.

I know once we have a child our lives will be different. I can't wait for the day though. I know Andrew can't either. Andrew and I are both in a really good place. We are both a lot happier living in our home we bought in July last year. To be away from the drama and focus on us. 

I also know once I get pregnant or have a child the drama could reoccur. So in that way it bugs me. I'm hoping that the people who have harmed us won't come after us once we have a child. Our lives are better off even though we miss them. So that is one thing I'm concerned about our child who be our top priority and we would protect them as we see fit.

As I see it each day Andrew and I do the best we can. I'm hoping that we will be able to start a family this year. I know I'm still young (27) but it doesn't always feel like that. All around me are people with beautiful children. I hope Andrew and I will get to have that. Gosh I pray this is our year. I will keep the faith for 2013 to be the year God blesses us. :D Oh life how wonderful and special you are.

Live, Laugh, Love <3 

*~~~**Baby Dust~~~**~~~*

I'm ready

I'm feeling really positive this month. I'm not sure why but I'm at peace. I think after dealing with infertility so long you become almost numb to the situation. Slowly I'm able to pick myself up. I've been in such an odd place lately but I'm okay now.

I'm happy that I'm feeling better mentally. I'm hoping I can stay positive and not sink back into the numbness. I know I have a purpose in life I'm just not sure what it is. I'm thinking about doing something for myself. I'm thinking a new hair cut would be something fun.

I think if I keep doing things that make me happy that in the end I'll get to be happy. My husband has been nothing but supportive which is great. I think I'm ready to just be happy. It's funny you have to let yourself happy. I've lived so long feeling so numb. So sad... So hopeless.. Infertility takes a lot away from you. I wish that was the only thing I had on my plate.

We all have things to do deal. So if your reading this do something for yourself. Get yourself out of that funk.. I'm chopping hair off and starting fresh. :) Thankfully my hubby likes shorter hair. I'm keep the faith that God knows what he is doing. Ready to just live my life.

Life

So on Thursday we got a letter in the mail from Department of Children and Families telling us we can't adopt through them. We had heard that they were looking through our info again to see if there was anything else to do. They took an issue with me having PTSD.  So at least we know now that we can't adopt now.

Even though we are denied I'm so thankful for we did the MAPP Training. They said in a few years we could reapply. So if we don't get pregnant on our own we can always try again. God knows what is meant for us. We believe one hundred percent we will be parents one day.

We are taking everything one day at a time. I'm so thankful for everything I have in life. The most important thing to be right now is my marriage. I'm so blessed to have married my best friend. So Andrew and I will continue to focus on us.