First off I wasn't sure if I could write this blog or if I should. Then I thought to myself that is what this blog was for. It was for me for healing. Though it's also for others going through the same thing. So here I will try and do my best to write what's been happening.
So on April 19.2013 we found out we we're pregnant after 5 years of trying. At the time it was the happiest day of my life. Andrew and I we're so excited to finally learn we we're going to be parents. All of that was short lived and there really isn't a happy ending.
On May 9th I woke up with a little cramping and didn't think much of it. Until later in the after noon I was hanging out with my best friend Natalie and I had started spotting. I freaked out and panicked and didn't know what to do. I called my doctors and they told me I was going to have to come in and get my HCG levels checked. Well Natalie stayed with me as long as she could before she had to go to work.
She was so supportive and I'm grateful I had her here with me while I was going through this. I knew something deep down wasn't right so at that moment I felt the everything around me stop. My husband ended up coming home early from work and off to the hospital we went. The next day they called and told me my levels we're 8,700 and that we we're going to have an ultrasound the following Tuesday.
So at the ultrasound they didn't say much all they said was there was a sac but they couldn't see anything else. The next day they called and told me I had a sub-chronic Hemorrhage which looked to be the cause of why they couldn't find a baby. So they ordered more blood work.
So that day I went and had my HCG levels checked again and they went up to over 16,000 so I had to go back 48 hours later but they only went up to over 18,000. So the doctors and nurses didn't quite understand why my levels we're still going up. So they ordered another ultrasound which leads us to today.
I prayed they would see something but I was prepared for them not too. So as I thought they couldn't find anything and it appeared the hemorrhage had gotten bigger. Needless to say this is not a viable pregnancy. So now I have to wait till tomorrow for them to call and tell me what it is next.
Over the past week my life has been turned upside at first I blamed myself for our loss thinking I must have done something wrong. I know that I did everything I could I ate right, took prenatal vitamins, no caffeine stopped all my medications, started sleeping better and so on. This is out of my control. So I've cried a lot but I'm ready to move past this.
I'll never forget how amazing it felt to feel pregnant and the joy I felt knowing my little one was growing inside. I know now though that with the gestational sac still being in place this could be a long process. I haven't decided yet if I should let the sac come out on it's own or go a couple other methods. To be honest I don't know if I'm strong enough to keep holding on to something that is no more.
I'm sad because I know I will never get to know if it was a boy or a girl. I'll never get to watch them grow up, hear them talk, see any of their first and so on. I feel robbed of them but I know one day I will be able to meet them in heaven one day. Andrew and I will be plating a raspberry bush in his or her honor because that was the size they should have been.
I know it's not going to be easy because I know when the due date happens I will think of them. I know I will never forget them. I'm grateful that they choose me to be his or her's mommy. I'm not a mom to a child who walks on earth but a child who lives in heaven.
I can say my husband, family and friends have been wonderful through all of this and I'm so thankful for each and everyone of them. I know I will continue to need their love and support as this is not over yet. I do know one thing Andrew and I still want to be parents so we will continue to try till we reach our life long dream.
Praying for a Rainbow Baby!!!!
"Sometimes the smallest things take up the most room in your heart." -Winnie the Pooh
"What we have once enjoyed and deeply loved we can never lose, for all that we love deeply becomes a part of us." Helen Keller
2 Samuel 12:22-23
English Standard Version (ESV)
22 He said, “While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept, for I said, ‘Who knows whether the Lord will be gracious to me, that the child may live?’ 23 But now he is dead. Why should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I shall go to him, but he will not return to me.”
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