Insomnia

So I've noticed since the miscarriage I have had a hard time just sitting still. I don't know how many of you have had this problem. I literally have been cleaning and organizing everything in my house. Mind you my house is always clean to begin with. I feel like it is helping me deal with stress.

As some of you may know I do suffer from insomnia so I generally see 4am or 5am each morning. Well I used to not be able to fall asleep in general and now I have noticed I literally can't stop thinking. I think of the dumbest things and it won't stop. So now with my with my overthinking and insomnia already sleep is even harder.

I've tried everything from medications from the doctors, sleep tea, natural sleep aids, over the counter sleep ads, no caffeine, complete darkness, going to be earlier, meditation, baths and so on. What have others done that have insomnia or insomnia due to a miscarriage. I'm at a loss. It's just crazy how much worse it has gotten. Mind you I am on an anxiety medication which I've been on for about 9years now.

I've also realize every night it's the same few things I think about. Whether it be the loss of Hope, getting pregnant again, cleaning or drama it keeps me up. I mean I know I was never really able to shut my mind off even before the miscarriage but it's never ending now.

I'm not sure if some of you realize I have a few conditions such as anxiety,C-PTSD, insomnia, Fibromyalgia, and Complex Regional Pain Syndrome (RSD/CRPS). So I guess just everything is catching up with my lately. I can say though generally I am a positive upbeat person. It just seems to be I've been through a lot in the past couple months. I know I'm not the only one who has things going on. I guess this is where I just come to vent and think out loud.

My birthday and 3months

So Tuesday was my birthday and I turned 28. My birthday was met with mixed emotions this year. I had a nice day with my mom and husband. Though I felt such a weight on me. I missed Hope so much that day. I remember thinking how much it would have meant for me for her to still be in my belly. I cried because I missed her but I cried because I felt selfish I wanted her back.

Today also happens to be 3 months since our miscarriage and surprise surprise my cycle started today. I was secretly hoping I was pregnant but I'm not and maybe God feels I'm not ready. Maybe I'm not ready for a baby yet who knows. All I can say is how I reacted on my birthday makes me not look forward to Thanksgiving or Christmas. I can tell you I really don't want Christmas this year.. I know deep down it means our baby would have been due 3 days later.

I still feel like I'm preparing for the due date. I feel like I'm trying to find a way to make it that I don't fall apart. I can hold it together pretty well now but something will always trigger my thoughts and tears. I love Hope so much and I miss her more than words could ever express.

How did any of you deal with a due date coming and passing?? Was there something to do to honor your angel? I'm debating on this to do that day heck I'll be luck if I make it out of bed that day. Some days I wish I could stop time or go back and change it...

Truthfully I know I'm not the only one who has ever had a miscarriage but some days it sure feels like I am. So many people just move on or others around me are past it. It's hard just forgetting.. You don't just forget or stop loving someone like that. Think about it yes I never met my child or held them but I still love then and think about them. It's like loving God you don't see him but you love him.

I'm thankful I have come as far as I have in the last 3 months. I wonder what the purpose of all of this was? I wonder what God truly has planned for my husband and I? I'm hopeful that we will have a family.

Should have been over 20 weeks now......

I just realized I would have been in the half way point of pregnancy if I was still pregnant. I should be over 20 weeks and would have been finding out the sex of our baby.. Even though in our heart we thought it was a girl. I'm not sure why this is bothering me so bad.

It's not that it's making me want to cry just more anxious than anything. Plus I feel the emptiness in the my tummy again. Every so often I get that feeling of something is missing which it is. So as many know we are allowed to try again. So fingers crossed it's going to happen. I know it's going to be the waiting game each month.

All I know is I HATE negative pregnancy test results I've had 5 years worth of them with a few chemical pregnancies thrown in. Knowing that each month I could be seeing negative results makes me sad. I know I used to cry almost every month when I'd be late and test negative.

Who knows what is meant to happen... I know what I want to happen but it doesn't mean it is apart of the plan God has for me. I guess I just hope God has a child or children in our plan. Even though I do have a child in heaven.. I guess that means I'm just hoping for at least one more but for him or her to be meant for earth.

Dealing with infertility and now a miscarriage is hard. It's a mix of emotions every month. All I can truly do is stay positive and keep moving forward. Even though the stress of it all is too much sometimes. So I know I'm going to hear the just relax part it's bad for yada yada.. What I can say is I've done research and been told by several doctors stress doesn't play apart in infertility or getting pregnant.

I hope everyone is having a good Tuesday!!!!

***~~Baby Dust~~***

August

So it's been a few weeks since I have last written. Mostly because there is nothing new to report. So my parents do foster care so my mom need to buy clothes for an 18 month old. Well it was my first  experience in the baby clothing section of Wal Mart that I didn't want to cry the whole time. Other times I've seen baby clothes and literally walked the other way as quick as I could.

So what I've learned is that I think I'm finally truly starting to be okay with our loss.. I miss my angel, but I'm thankful it's getting easier. Life does go on even if you feel it should stop. I'll be 28 on August 20th and I do keep thinking about how nice it would have been to still be pregnant for my birthday. I know we are starting all over again.

So it's August which does mean Andrew and I are trying to conceive again. I still having a few mixed emotions about it.. I will say I really want to be able to get pregnant again. I'll keep my fingers crossed that it doesn't take another 5 years to get pregnant. Praying for our rainbow baby.

I'm truly hoping that since I was able to get pregnant that we will get pregnant quicker this time. I know deep down I really just want to be pregnant before Christmas. Christmas for me has been hard since we have been married. I see all these families buying gifts for their children and doing festivity  things which I long for. Also our due date for Hope was a few days after Christmas.

Anyways I'm just living my life spending time with family and hanging out with my best friend Amanda. I'll be going to a John Mayer concert on August 17th which is my birthday present so I'm excited. I hope everyone is enjoying their summer!!!!

**~Baby Dust~**