First Post a Ramble of Infertility

So since this is my first post I should tell you a little bit about me. My name is Jessica I'm 27 years old and I'm married to an amazing man named Andrew. We have been together since 2004 and married in April 08... We have been trying to get pregnant almost five years now.

Now that is out of the way let me start.. Since April 2008 we have been trying to get pregnant. I must admit when we first got married I though it was just going to happen for us. So here we are Jan 2013 and not any closer to that goal.

My husband in Aug 2012 had a surgery to help him become more fertile. So all we can do is pray that the surgery has worked. Some told us it was silly have this surgery when there are so many children out there who need homes.

Little does everyone know that we did try to do the adoption route. We wanted to adopt through the foster care system because my parents do foster care. We did our 10 weeks of MAPP training and that was that. In the end it didn't work out for us. I have a few medical problems that they ended up looking down on me for. I have PTSD ,Complex Regional Pain Syndrome and anxiety. So I suppose looking at my medical records is scary to them. Needless to say it must not be in God's plan for us.

Coping with infertility has been the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. Truthfully every month when your period is just a few days late and you think oh this could be the month and then it's not. It feels like someone has passed away. Like I'm grieving my not even created yet child.

I'm not perfect I'll be in stores and see babies smile or cute baby clothes and I want to cry. Matter of fact sometimes I do break down. This past Christmas all I wanted to do was cry I was jealous of all the people being able to buy gifts and do Christmas things with their children.

I try not to cry but I feel like a part of me is missing.