PTSD and Life

Do you ever notice when dealing with problems in your life that sometimes the safest place to you is home. Since we moved into our home over a year ago I actually don't like leaving it. I feel like nothing can hurt me when I'm home. Even if something does go wrong I feel like I can get through it because I'm safe.

Some of you many or many not know I have PTSD so leaving my comfort zone sometimes isn't easy. I feel terrible when people want to give me a hug because it makes me anxious. Not only does my RSD cause pain sometimes when I'm hugged but the thought of being hugged makes me sick sometimes. I tend to pull away or make a face of some sort. It's not that I don't love the people I'm hugging it's part of a trigger for me.

I also do terrible in cars. I hate being in them most of the time. I don't feel safe at all. It doesn't matter who is driving but the second that person goes into the passing lane I freak out inside. Not only that but I get anxiety from traffic. I've been in two car accidents and another one I'm not sure what to call it.. Let's just say the third one has messed me up real bad..

I have several other triggers too but loud noise for me is another biggie. I won't go into detail about why all of these things affect me or even what else triggers me. I want people to know I did go to therapy for about 10 months it helped to a point.

I think what has helped me the most is our home. I love being here and maybe in away the fact that I depend on being home isn't a good thing. All I know is once I step out of my house I don't feel safe anymore. Don't get me wrong I love going places, but the whole time I'm thinking about when I get to go home. I prefer people coming to my house.

I guess how this all ties in is the lose of our little Hope. I'm not sure if I suffered from anything now after losing her, but I know I have dealt with the loss much better. I think these walls that surround are comforting and safe. I think if I would have been living in an apartment things would have been different. I felt in my home I could grieve properly without fear of others hearing me.

I will say no matter what is going on in my life even when we had just lost Hope I still felt blessed. I have a wonderful husband that has been through my side through it all. What more could I really ask for?? Sometimes I wonder why he dated me for 4years and still decided to marry me after that. We've had over 5 crazy years of marriage. We have learned a lot and the main thing is not to let others come between us. Together we are strong and we can get through anything.

Now all we can truly do is hope that we can get pregnant and have a healthy baby.

Thanks for listening to me ramble...

TTC#2

~****~Baby Dust~*****~