You are not alone.. Take time for you

So to everyone who is on here reading my blog that also suffers from infertility I'd like to tell you something. You are not alone. I know all around me people are getting pregnant which is wonderful for them. So what I have to say to the infertile people who are here is.. Take time for yourself cry if you have to. Get you hair or nails done. Maybe try Yoga...

I've learned I have to let go and just be me. Lets face it we live in a world where so many have no problem conceiving. Though there are so many that do. So the question now is why us? Why can't it be easy? Some of us will find the answers to why it's happening. While others are told it's unexplained. Now does it make it any easier if you know the answers to why? Truthfully I think it all depends. Some will be told if you fix this or that you should have no problem... Now that's great and wonderful but not all the time is it just that easy.

I know I'm 27 so the doctors tell me don't worry about it you are still young, Thank you doctors I had no idea. Yes I know I'm young but that doesn't change the fact that I want to be a mother any less. I see the way my husband acts with children and it warms my heart. Though at the same time it breaks my heart. I want to be able to see him become a father. I want to be able to see what our child will look like.

At this moment I'd be thrilled to have one child. I look forward to the morning sickness sad but true. I look forward to feeling my child grow inside me. I look forward to the kicks and sleepless nights. I look forward to everything pregnancy has to offer. I know once it happens I will probably not be saying most of that. :)

I guess I got off subject. Just remember your not alone in the infertility battle. I'm here and I know I'm not alone. If your reading this and aren't suffering from infertility and know someone who is reach out to them. Just let them know if they need someone to talk to or cry to allow them to do so. Not all the time are we looking for advice most times we just need to vent.

Breaking the walls down slowly

So here I am sitting in front of my computer screen. I feel like I need to strip down my walls and really let you all see me for who I am. I'm nothing special just your average girl who is sick of staying quiet. I can't promise my grammar or spelling is going to be perfect. I live each day with nightmares, pain, anxiety, depression, and infertility.

First of you hear nightmares whats that about well I have something called PTSD which is Post Traumatic Stress Disorder little do people know that I have dealt with sexual abuse in my life. I had to go to therapy for it. It at one time was hard for me to even allow my husband to hold my hand

I also have something called Complex Regional Pain Syndrome which is a systemic disease characterized by serve pain, swelling, and changes in skin. It's painful but I manage the best I can. If you want to learn more about it be my guest.

I'm going to be honest infertility whether it be you or your partner it's hard to deal with. I must admit each day is a battle. Some days I will wake up and no matter what I'm in a funk. I can't help but be jealous of others. Not that I'm jealous of their children just jealous of the fact they have kids. This isn't an every day thing though.

I know being jealous is a terrible thing and I know God would not be proud of this. Yes I do allow myself to cry I need to. I cry in the shower or cry myself to sleep. I need a place to vent and not be judged. I know there will be some reading this and think what I have to say is wrong and shouldn't be said.

Maybe starting this blog is a bad idea. I'm already second guessing myself. When it comes down to it I have low self esteem and maybe I'm scared I'll be attacked. Until I know where I stand I'll take it one day at a time.

Basal Temp Tracking and FertiliTea

So I have started tracking my Basal Temperature this week. My temperature so far has been all over the place. I haven't been feeling very good so I suppose that is what is going on.. My temps keep being in the 96s'.. So at least I'm trying to track it.

I also started using a tea called FertiliTea here is some product info FertiliTea is the all-natural tea designed to enhance fertility. Developed by leading fertility expert, Dr. Amos Grunebaum, FertiliTea contains ingredients that have been scientifically demonstrated to optimize your chances of conceiving. FertiliTea contains Vitex Agnus Castus (Chasteberry), Green Tea, Red Raspberry, Ladies Mantle, Nettle Leaf, and Peppermint Leaf. One package of FertiliTea contains a one-month supply

So I have been using it for the past few days I will keep an update on it if has helped or what I feel it has done. This is where I bought the tea from.
 http://www.amazon.com/FertiliTea-Natural-Fertility-Tea-Blend/dp/B0006SFQGO/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1359664248&sr=8-1&keywords=fertility+tea

Here is some info from a site I enjoy about Basal Temp tracking.

http://www.fertilityplus.com/faq/bbt/bbtfaq.html

1. Take your temperature first thing in the morning before you get out of bed or even speak -- leave your thermometer at your bedside within easy reach so you don't have to move much to get it. If you use a glass thermometer, make sure you shake it down before going to bed.
2. Try to take the temperature at as close to the same time each day as possible -- set an alarm if you need to. Staying within a half hour either side of your average time is a good idea because your temp can vary with the time (i.e., if you usually take your temperature at 6 a.m., it is OK to take your BBT between 5:30-6:30, but the closer to 6 the better). The normal variation is by up to .2 degrees per hour -- lower if you take your temperature early, higher if you take it late.
3. It is best to take your BBT after a minimum of 5 hours sleep, and at least 3 in a row is preferable.
4. You can take your temperature orally, vaginally, or rectally -- just stay with the same method for the entire cycle.
5. You should try to place the thermometer the same way each day (same location of your mouth, same depth vaginally and rectally).
6. Plot your temperature on your chart each day, but refrain from reading too much into it until the cycle is done.
7. Some women, not all, have a temperature drop when they ovulate. If you see this drop, it is a good idea to have sex in case you are ovulating.
8. What you are looking for is a temperature shift of at least .4 degrees over a 48-hour period to indicate ovulation. This shift should be above the highest temperatures in the previous six days, allowing one temperature to be thrown out as inaccurate 
9. After you see a temperature shift for at least three days, or at the end of your cycle, you can draw a coverline between your follicular phase and luteal phase temperatures. With luck, it is easy to see a clear shift and draw your line between the highest follicular phase BBT and the lowest luteal phase BBT as in the sample above. The main reason for drawing this line is just to clearly delineate that your chart is biphasic.
10. Look at the chart at the end of the month to analyze what happened.
11. Chart for a few months and look for patterns.
12. If your temperature stays up for 18 days or more after ovulation, you should test for pregnancy.
One thing to note is that women with ovulatory cycles but with irregular cycle lengths, the greatest variation from cycle to cycle should be in the follicular phase. The luteal phase should be relatively constant (within 1-2 days). So if one has a cycle that ranges from 28-34 days, and a luteal phase of 14 days, ovulation would occur somewhere between days 14-20 -- not the middle of a cycle, not day 14 . . . This is the biggest mistake women with long cycles make when trying to conceive.

What ifs

So I know infertility is a taboo subject but I think it's something that needs to be spoken about. So yes I believe in God. So this is where everything gets a little messy... So the people around me tell me to relax it will happen when your not thinking about it. Or just don't try.. For me I know everyone is trying to be helpful and caring but telling me to relax isn't going to make me relax.

Also I hear give it to God. If it is in God's plan it will happen. I understand all of this and I should find comfort in this all but sometimes I don't. The what ifs pop into my head. What if having a baby isn't in God's plan. What if it's just not meant to be. I know God has his own timing but it's hard waiting. It's hard waiting for something you don't know if it will ever happen...Sometimes I wish God would show me a sign.

It would be great if God could just say yes Jessica it is going to happen or no it's not. I feel like being prepared for either would be helpful. I've started a few things this week one is a tea and the other is charting my temp. I'm hoping that these things will help. As I get further along I'll start posting about things.

First Post a Ramble of Infertility

So since this is my first post I should tell you a little bit about me. My name is Jessica I'm 27 years old and I'm married to an amazing man named Andrew. We have been together since 2004 and married in April 08... We have been trying to get pregnant almost five years now.

Now that is out of the way let me start.. Since April 2008 we have been trying to get pregnant. I must admit when we first got married I though it was just going to happen for us. So here we are Jan 2013 and not any closer to that goal.

My husband in Aug 2012 had a surgery to help him become more fertile. So all we can do is pray that the surgery has worked. Some told us it was silly have this surgery when there are so many children out there who need homes.

Little does everyone know that we did try to do the adoption route. We wanted to adopt through the foster care system because my parents do foster care. We did our 10 weeks of MAPP training and that was that. In the end it didn't work out for us. I have a few medical problems that they ended up looking down on me for. I have PTSD ,Complex Regional Pain Syndrome and anxiety. So I suppose looking at my medical records is scary to them. Needless to say it must not be in God's plan for us.

Coping with infertility has been the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. Truthfully every month when your period is just a few days late and you think oh this could be the month and then it's not. It feels like someone has passed away. Like I'm grieving my not even created yet child.

I'm not perfect I'll be in stores and see babies smile or cute baby clothes and I want to cry. Matter of fact sometimes I do break down. This past Christmas all I wanted to do was cry I was jealous of all the people being able to buy gifts and do Christmas things with their children.

I try not to cry but I feel like a part of me is missing.