3 weeks plus.. Meh.

So it's been over 3 weeks now since we lost our little angel Hope. I'm starting to live with what I call the new normal. I'm starting to feel like myself again but a different version of me. I feel like a part of me is missing which makes it hard. I'm able to laugh and smile again without faking it.

There is not one minute of the day where I don't miss her but I know she is safe. So all I can really do is heal and become stronger. Each night which I know might be silly to some I talk to her. It's a special time at night where I cry or smile thinking about her.

I'm doing my best to just carry on. I try to keep focusing on the fact that Andrew and I will keep trying to become parents to a healthy child. The scary part is not knowing if we will get pregnant again or if we do will me miscarry again?

Just trying to rely on God right now. One day I hope things will be okay. Until then please let things calm down for the time being I have had enough and truly can't take much more.

For my Husband 

Blah

I wish my brain would let me forget the counting of weeks. So we lost our baby May 24 but I keep thinking today I would have been 11 weeks 2 days. Then I keep seeing people who are pregnant posting the amount of weeks they are and that might be why I keep thinking of it.

I must admit I'm jealous of everyone who is pregnant carrying a healthy baby. I know one day it will be Andrew and I's turn I just wish it could have been Hope that was meant to be with us... I'm at a loss of what to do with my life right now. There is just so much going on in our lives.

It's not just the loss of Hope or my grandmother. There is another complicated and stressful situation going on that I'm not sure how I am suppose to deal with it. All I can say is someone needs to be quiet and stop destroying other people's lives.

Sorry I'm just sad, stressed and angry all at once. All too much...

It's been 2 weeks

So it has been 2 weeks since my D&C... I still can't believe our baby is gone. I miss Hope so much. It's hard but each day I'm getting stronger. We lost Hope on May 24,2013 then my grandmother (mummu) died on June 1, 2013 it has been a very hard 2 weeks.

Wednesday was my grandmother's funeral which was hard to get through. I know God only gives you as much as you can handle but I'm praying that this is all the bad that is going to happen for a bit. I was just trying to get myself back together after losing Hope then to lose my grandmother was all to much.

We had our follow up yesterday with my OBG/YN after my D&C and he said everything looked good and normal. He said he sees no problems with us being able to get pregnant again and having a healthy child. It was nice to hear but why couldn't Hope have been healthy and stay with us?????

Now we must wait till August to be able to try again and yes we will try again. I'm scared it could happen again but it is worth the risk to try again. Being a mom which I am now is so important to me. I want to be a mom to Hope and to a baby with us on earth.

I will say losing Hope has been terrible but in return she gave me a few things. She made me a mom first off which is wonderful. Now I am able to sleep without medication yes I still get to bed late but I actually STAY asleep. I haven't been able to sleep without medication for about four years now. I feel very lucky to be able to sleep. Maybe it's her way of saying things are going to get better.

I long for the day I go to heaven and will be able to kiss and hold her. I know as time goes on this is going to hurt less. I know I will always been left missing her. That bound while she was in my womb will never go away. I love her with all of my heart and I'm happy she is with God.

I know she is probably making lots of friends if she is anything like her mommy. I hope she is up there enjoying all of her relatives. I wonder what she looks like? All I know is right now she is safe and she is happy. Just wish missing her didn't hurt so much.


Sending baby dust

Praying for my Rainbow Baby!!!!

Thankful for my husband!

Look at the stickers they put on my Hospital Bracelet the day I lost my angel