It's been 2 months

So it's been two months since the D&C and the loss of our little angel Hope. I thought about her a lot today and it hurt knowing she isn't here. It's hard not to think about her when you know your cycle should be starting soon. Well it's actually a couple days late right now.. UGH The joys of irregular cycles after a miscarriage.

Not only am I late but the medical bills for the D&C show up and that's fine but really why does it have to say missed abortion? Makes me sad because I would never abort my child. I know that's what they call it just made me sad.

I started writing letters to Hope so far I've written two of them. One of my RSD online friends sent me a pink journal on it that says Hope. I know it might sound silly that I'm writing letters to a baby who wasn't even in the womb for 9 weeks but it's part of my healing. I guess it's a way of not forgetting her. Though I know I will never forget my first child.

So I know the month of August is coming upon us soon which means we will be able to start TTC again. I have mixed emotions about it. I really want to try again for another baby but I'm scared we could miscarry again. Then I think about Hope and almost how unfair it is that I would just push her aside to try for another child.

I want to be a mother so bad. I know I really am a mom even if my baby isn't with us. I can't help the love I have for Hope. She will forever be our little blessing. It's just hard missing her so much and wanting her still in my tummy. I feel empty still..... So to a point getting pregnant again would fix some of what I feel but nothing could ever replace her.

There are so many other things going on in my life right now some bad and some are good. With all the bad that keeps happening I realize more and more how blessed I am. I see so many things around me going wrong people are ill, others are causing harm, people have passed on and so on. In the end I have a loving and supportive husband, a beautiful home with my animals. My family and extend family have also been so wonderful! I can't thank everyone enough! Not only that but to the friends who have reached out to me and be there.

So now I start again from square one and have to pray that the next time will be our time.