My birthday and 3months

So Tuesday was my birthday and I turned 28. My birthday was met with mixed emotions this year. I had a nice day with my mom and husband. Though I felt such a weight on me. I missed Hope so much that day. I remember thinking how much it would have meant for me for her to still be in my belly. I cried because I missed her but I cried because I felt selfish I wanted her back.

Today also happens to be 3 months since our miscarriage and surprise surprise my cycle started today. I was secretly hoping I was pregnant but I'm not and maybe God feels I'm not ready. Maybe I'm not ready for a baby yet who knows. All I can say is how I reacted on my birthday makes me not look forward to Thanksgiving or Christmas. I can tell you I really don't want Christmas this year.. I know deep down it means our baby would have been due 3 days later.

I still feel like I'm preparing for the due date. I feel like I'm trying to find a way to make it that I don't fall apart. I can hold it together pretty well now but something will always trigger my thoughts and tears. I love Hope so much and I miss her more than words could ever express.

How did any of you deal with a due date coming and passing?? Was there something to do to honor your angel? I'm debating on this to do that day heck I'll be luck if I make it out of bed that day. Some days I wish I could stop time or go back and change it...

Truthfully I know I'm not the only one who has ever had a miscarriage but some days it sure feels like I am. So many people just move on or others around me are past it. It's hard just forgetting.. You don't just forget or stop loving someone like that. Think about it yes I never met my child or held them but I still love then and think about them. It's like loving God you don't see him but you love him.

I'm thankful I have come as far as I have in the last 3 months. I wonder what the purpose of all of this was? I wonder what God truly has planned for my husband and I? I'm hopeful that we will have a family.