This blog post is more of random thoughts than anything. All I know is December is now only 3 months away and I don't want it to come. It's a dark cloud looming overhead. I don't want the holidays at all. I love Christmas don't get me wrong but since I've been married it's been hard.
Can I say how much it hurts to see parents with there children being able to enjoy the holidays. I want that to be Andrew and I so bad and what hurts the most is that we almost had that. Why does our due date have to be December 28th?? As if dealing with infertility and the holidays isn't enough let's just toss in the loss of our baby with the due date after Christmas.
I'm praying so hard that Andrew and I will be able to get pregnant before Christmas otherwise I'm not sure I even care. It was going to be the best Christmas ever and now it's going to be a mess and I don't want it. I want Hope back. I know it's 3 months away but every time I have to flip the calendar to a new month the thought of December being closer makes me sad.
So needless to say is all I truly want is to be able to get pregnant again and have a healthy baby. We are now 5 years and 5months TTC and it feels like a life time. You'd think it would get easier to not have a child. In fact it just gets harder. Here we are trying again and now we have to pray it is meant to be for us...
Keep in mind this post was for me to vent and clear my head. I guess writing it done made me feel a little better. I'll be asking Santa this year for a baby. Truthfully if he'd like to send me my Christmas gift this month I'd be very thankful.. :)
**Baby Dust***
I was just in the process of writing a post very similar to this as I realized today that just 5 weeks from today was my first due date. I am not sure if I want to realize on that day what it is, or if it would be easier to not notice the day's significance. So far I'm at 3 pregnancies, 3 miscarriages. I'd love to add to that first number, and hopefully not add to that 2nd number. I have always loved Christmas and also was due for around Christmas this year (December 22nd). Hopefully we both have healthy babies growing by this Christmas. Sorry for your loss.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you have been through so much. It's heart breaking to have to lose your child or children. I'll be praying for you that you are able to get pregnant again and have a healthy baby.
ReplyDeleteI know a similar feeling... I miscarried the week before Christmas last year... Easily the worst Christmas of my life. I'm still trying to have my own bundle of joy too.
ReplyDeleteSo sorry I don't know why I never saw this.. I'm sorry for your loss. I hope things are going better for you now.
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